Dear Football Association. I would like to apply...

Dear Football Association,

I would like to apply for the recently vacated role of England Manager.

I accept that it is a role traditionally occupied by a person with slightly more experience in football matters than me, though I can lay claim to helping the coach of our under 8’s team put away the muddy balls at the end of each session. It can be a little tricky, especially when the children are not listening, but from what I understand I will be faced with a similar problem in this role.

In these under 8 sessions, I often find myself in goal. I think it is important that the children should feel the buzz of scoring a goal and I usually step aside to allow the ball to go in. This is a skill that I believe is very much aligned to the current routine that England’s goalkeepers learn and therefore I see little change required.

I enjoy holidays, though I tend not to like being away from home for long. I believe that there is some travel involved in this particular role, but that I would rarely be away for more than a week, especially in the event that the team made it to a tournament.

I am also very articulate and have a track record of effective communication. Unlike the last few managers, Erikson, Capello, McClaren and Hodgson, English is actually my first language and I therefore will not need an interpreter.

I look forward to hearing from you further. I am available 24/7, though I should point out that if you do wish to offer me the role, my current employer may demand some compensation. A small hamper of goodies from Marks and Spencer should be more than sufficient.

Yours faithfully,

 

Simon Harding